Fuck Middle Age

So I'm in my 30s now. I have to say... I'm not a fan. Nor do I think I'm going to be a fan of my 40s or 50s. 60s, much like the decade, gets much better the later you get into it, but 70s.... old fuck territory. That's the life for me.

You see, I think I enjoyed being a baby. I don't have any way knowing for sure since I don't remember being a baby, but I'm pretty sure life was good then. And being an old fuck sounds pretty nice in practice. It's all this in-between shit stuff that really sucks.

Once you've become an "adult", you have to start earning your life, working for it. You think, "Well, I'll work, but things won't change." And yet invariably, they do. You can pull that off when you're in your twenties. Once you hit your thirties it becomes harrrrrrrd.

Here's my typical day right now:

I get up at 6am, then fall back asleep until 7am. I get up, feed my cats, try to read some news or watch TV from the night before. Then I'm out the door by 7:45. I get to work around 8:30 and there I stay until 7pm. Then it usually takes an hour to get back home. Upon reaching home I play with the cats for twenty minutes, eat my dinner, and fall asleep trying to catch up on TV.

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A GOOD FUCKING EXISTENCE TO YOU?!?!?!

Free time is the ultimate double-edged sword. Not enough of it and you go insane. Too much of it and you go broke.

Granted, there are the weekends. And you can utilize that free time any way you want. I tend to use it by sleeping and catching up on television as well as all of the masturbating I forgot to do during the week. It's pretty epic, actually. Here's something I learned recently: If you go a long time without jackin' it, you eventually build up enough semen to simultaneously demolish your house while at the same time rebuilding it into it's new form: a very sticky yacht. Look it up. It's science.

Being an old fuck sounds great though. You get to sit around and nobody calls you lazy because... well... you're alive. You get to eat all the shitty food you want because what's the worst that's gonna happen? You're gonna die? No shit! People have to be nicer to you. You can nap whenever you want... even in traffic.

Of course, I've realized that this topic isn't new to me. I've had responsibility thrust upon me since I was 11, so maybe I just missed out on a bunch of shit and am cranky. Maybe I'll end up doing it backwards: responsible at first before finally getting old and doing a bunch of drugs and fucking random strangers until I die. Could be fun. Works for Michael Douglas.

All I know is I know two things:

1.) Being an adult means saying goodbye to a bunch of shit you don't really want to say goodbye to yet. Therefore I will never be an adult.

2.) I'm gonna see the fuck out of Guardians of the Galaxy this weekend, because I earned it.